Mental Health Awareness Week - My Journey.

It was November 2002, and I was totally unaware of what I was about to go through.

I was living in the Midlands but I can’t exactly remember the day or the time of when it all started, all I know on this particular evening, it was late, I got ready for bed but felt an unusual heaviness in me, around me and on me. I thought that if I fell asleep I wouldn’t wake up and that would be my end. So throughout the night, I fought to stay awake, panicking as it felt as if the heaviness was trying to take over my body and winning.

It got to the early hours of the morning and I was exhausted, suddenly felt angry and full of this deep sadness. I got up and began to put my belongings in black bags and then into the bin. My certificates from School, College and University, my clothes and anything else I could get my hands on. This made me more tired and weary and I tried my best to stay awake but then I thought ‘you might as well give in, this is it’.

With that in mind, I got changed and made a phone call to a relative to say “Goodbye”. I made the phone call to my Mum. I could hardly talk and could just about keep my eyes open. I remember telling her how I felt and saying “Goodbye” and then hearing her suddenly screaming down the phone. I hung up.

I sat in my flat in silence, waiting, just waiting……

Not long after, there was a knock at my front door. It was a family friend. I now know my Mum had called him and told him to come and get me. I remember he came in and sat and watched my movements whilst giving my Mum a running commentary on the phone. I don’t remember saying much to him, just answering his questions.

He then said to me “Judith you’re going to be alright. You’re coming with me to my parents’ house”.

The next thing I remember is we were at his parents’ house and that’s where my mental health began to rapidly deteriorate.

In my mind I began to travel back in time and ask for my Grandfather. In reality he was deceased, but in my mind, he was alive and wanted to see me.

I had lost all sense of who I was when I was asked for my name and a phone call had to be made to my home for me to hear my own answering machine message in an attempt for me to connect to the voice I was hearing.

Doctors were called and on examination prescribed medication for me to take, which I did but hid it under my tongue to be flushed down the toilet as I thought they were trying to kill me.

I heard voices telling me to jump out of the window as no one would care. Here I saw that the window was open with the curtain blowing in the wind, but when I screamed NO I looked up to find the window was shut.

Things got worse and so I was admitted into hospital and placed on a drip as I had not eaten or had anything to drink for some time. I close my eyes too tired to keep them open, I open my eyes and family members are in the room. I close my eyes too tired to keep them open, I open my eyes and see myself running away with blood coming out of my hand where they had placed the drip. I close my eyes too tired to keep them open, I open my eyes and see myself being restrained [being protected] by security. I close my eyes too tired to keep them open, I open my eyes to see some one coming towards me offering me medication. I refuse! I close my eyes too tired to keep them open, I open my eyes and see myself being placed into an ambulance. I close my eyes too tired to keep them open, I open my eyes and see myself in a room. It’s empty, just me wrapped up in a bed. I close my eyes too tired to keep them open, I open my eyes and see the room filled with members of my family, talking and waiting. I say hello and make a comment. Relieved, I hear them say “She’s back!”.

The time comes for me to leave the hospital. In my final assessment, the Doctor keeps looking at his notes and then looking at me. He seems puzzled and then asks, “Judith, do you know how you came to be in here?” I answer “No, when can I go?” He goes on to say, “I can’t seem to explain your recovery in comparison to the state you were in when you were admitted…and we have not medicated you”. Unsure of how to answer, I simply say “So does that mean I can go home now?” He replies “Yes but I have booked an appointment for you at your local GP to be assessed as an outpatient in 2 weeks”.

On the outside, it was horrible. I can only describe it as feeling everything that moved in the atmosphere. I was scared. I also thought the ‘Rapture’(the End of the World and all Christians had gone to live with Jesus) had taken place and I had been left behind to await the Second Coming.

Emotionally, I felt a lot of pain, could not stop crying and some days could not even speak. I couldn’t go out alone and couldn’t even look after myself. It felt like a really dark time. I had visitors, phone calls, prayers being prayed for me, but I felt as if I was disconnected from it all, almost life less.

A family member, then recommended that I go to Counselling.

This process, coupled with my faith, saved my life!

I engaged wholeheartedly because not only did I want to be well but I also wanted to know what had happened to me. Connecting the dots over a 12-month period of weekly therapeutic sessions, I learnt that I had carried feelings of rejection, hurt, anger and thoughts of being unloved from the age of 9 into my late 20s. Age 9 was when I was placed in Foster Care. During that period of time those thoughts and feelings had begun to snowball and enlarge with every disappointment I had faced, until subconsciously my emotions suddenly began to shut down under this emotional stress and heaviness, as I could take no more.

I had to face the truth and unpack every emotion and lay them to rest. I had to remember how I felt about him, how I felt about her, how I felt about them and how I felt about ME! I also had to forgive him, forgive her, forgive them and forgive ME!

I prayed every step of the way and I believe God protected and guided me through this painful yet life giving and life changing process, which I can only describe as me learning how to breath again to now seeing my world through clean and clear glasses along with learning how to look after my mental health and emotional well-being going forward.

Now I must say, that not everyone understood what I was going through and at one point I felt embarrassed and ashamed of what I had experienced because of the stigma that can be attached, but that being said I am forever thankful and grateful for those who walked with me through the whole process and continue to walk with me to this day. Strange, some might think to say, but I am also thankful for what I have experienced and come through as I now know that holding on to deep and painful experiences and trying to act as if everything is ok is NOT the key to living a happy, healthy and meaningful life.

So in this Mental Health Awareness week, let’s not just be ‘aware and make steps towards being mentally and emotionally healthy’ for this week, but let’s do this every day of every week of every month of every year.

Here’s what I have learnt to do:

Acknowledge the negative emotions that I feel in a situation
Try to understand what has caused me to feel this way
Journal about these feelings and thoughts attached as seeing this on paper helps me to see the situation in context
Pray, talking to God about how I am feeling asking to be shown anything else as to why I am feeling this way and what I need to do to no longer feel this way
Take action! I may have to talk to someone to resolve a matter, forgive someone, forgive myself or change my location
Talk the matter through with my Therapist

Here are some of the things I do to remain emotionally healthy:

I have a ‘Positive Thoughts and Thankful’ Journal
I go for regular walks
I build on my relationship with God
I listen to positive and uplifting music
I sing and song write
For work related purposes I have fortnightly Supervision Therapeutic sessions with a Clinical Psychologist
I try to eat and drink healthily
I go to the Gym
I enjoy road trips
I surround myself with positive people
I try to get 8 hours sleep each night
I try to maintain a ‘balanced’ lifestyle
I watch a good film

Now there’s more I could tell you, but I guess you get the jist!

So I encourage you, to make this the day that you no longer mask the hurt, pain, trauma, sadness or stress of life that you maybe feeling. Acknowledge it and take the steps you need to get the help you need. It’s YOUR life, make sure YOU live it!

All of God's Best For You and REMEMBER "You have Great Potential, a God Given Purpose and YOU WILL Passionately achieve it!!"

About Me:

My name is Judith AM Denton CEO | SOCIAL ENTREPRENEUR | SPEAKER | SINGER | SONGWRITER who has discovered that my natural skills and abilities have led me to realise my Potential, understand my Purpose 'of helping to make a difference in the lives of those I can relate to' and Passionately achieve it.

Through my experience of being a troubled Foster Child, to working in the Corporate World to now being a founding CEO and Social Entrepreneur, I can help YOU discover and realise your full Potential, understand your Purpose and Passionately achieve it and live in the freedom of being YOU and at YOUR Best, in your Life, Career or Business!

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